Me, myself and cancer

It seems 2021 was not meant to be the year I had quite envisaged, in February I turned the 40, I was suffering from the effects of having had covid in November 2020 struggling to move away from the longer term effects of lethargy and breathing difficulties.

It seemed that long covid would dominate my life, 2 months post illness I was finding life difficult, long periods of tiredness and general fatigued plagued everyday with bouts of insomnia and sleeping for 15+ hours had pretty much stopped any grand plans for adventure.

4 weeks headaches had started to target me, this was knew. Low grade general headaches, slowly getting worse and making it difficult to move around, the act of bending a cause for pause and consideration. I carried on doing little odd jobs around the home, redecorated my eldest daughters bedroom and built her a new wall mounted book case, built another wardrobe and even started to decorate our bedroom. All the time fighting these headaches and lethargy.

I remember that week well, Monday I had spoke to my gp, him sat nicely at home on the phone seemed to think it was a good idea I returned to work after having 2 months off, I worriedly explained that I couldn’t even bend down these days, let alone concentrate on work or driving.

He ignored my pleas, in favour of getting me back to work and ‘normality’ I knew this was never going to happen. That week I got gradually worse, 2 periods of thunder clap headaches the worse pain one could ever feel. A feeling that a metal spike was being driven through my brain making me feel as if I was going to die. The act of going to the toilet was an game of chance, I often refer to it now as ‘dying like Elvis’, never knowing if having a simple poo would be my last.

Kerry became more concerned and threatened 999, I rang 111 and spoke to my gp but still no real answer, I opted to attend AnE, our thoughts then were of high blood pressure nothing more.

With in a few hours I was being told I had suffered a brain hemorrhage and needed admitting to hospital. The words of tumour and growth and mass were bounded around thst evening whilst I sat in ambulatory care, no one could say for definate what was happening. I know now that I wa close to having a stroke or worse at my AnE attendance, my brain had began to cone, my squidgy pink mass starting to be pushed through the small skull opening and getting dangerously close to my spinal cord.

I was started on medication that evening and for the first time, no headaches, 2 months of almost constant discomfort where gone and I was able to settle and relax. The next week became a massive whirlwind of people, tests, scans and news. Each Dr’s visit seemed to bring worse news, the hemorrhage disappeared and was replaced with word tumor, a growth in my kidney was then found, starting at a cist and quickly esculating into a growth and then Cancer.

These snippets of information given in 10 minutes segments just seemed to mess with my mental health, I became tearful, labile, worried, not worried. Bored and frustrated at everything around me. I wasn’t even sure where life would now take me.

Cancer, what a word, I was fit, well and healthy. I did everything I should do, ate little meat, barely drank alcohol, didn’t smoke, although covid had put pain to my running I was still fit. Non of it made sense. I took the decision to pour positive attitude into this new adventure, I couldn’t be angry, who would I be angry at, it was no ones fault, just my time.

Published by bimblingmike

a hiker, a runner and bearded man

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